From Self-Doubt to Self-Confidence

Does self-doubt get in your way?  Worries about our own abilities can limit our experience of joy in daily life.  These worries make it more likely that we will engage in procrastination.  Even though I have a Ph.D. and have had a thriving business as a coach, workshop leader, psychotherapist, and (formerly) neuropsychologist, I sometimes find myself thinking I have nothing to offer.  It's almost a default position to which my mind reverts:  I have no ideas, I have nothing new to share, why would anyone want to hear from me?

Self-doubt shows up in almost everyone, regardless of accomplishment.  I see this experience showing up for my clients as well.  An accomplished dancer & choreographer worries that she has run out of inspiration, that she doesn't "have it" anymore.  A college professor fears that she'll stand in front of her class and not be able to say a word.  A student with good grades feels that the next exam will be a failure.

Strangely, even when the evidence demonstrates our competence, we sometimes experience a loss of confidence in our abilities.  You may have noticed that one of the first responses we have is to get down on ourselves.  I find myself getting mad at myself for feeling self-doubt.  This begins a downward spiral into an entire conversation about how "pathetic" I can be.

There are certain concerns that routinely show up as self-doubt.  One such concern is lack of confidence.  Self-doubt is often an inner conversation about a lack of confidence in our ability to complete some task or carry out some action.  Sometimes it is helpful to specify just where the self-doubt originates.

Confidence is an assessment that we are competent at doing whatever it is we have committed to do.  If you are feeling confident about a presentation you're giving, it is almost always because you assess that you are competent at providing the information.  Conversely, a lack of confidence in some area suggests that you are assessing yourself as not quite competent to complete the task.

The primary way to develop a sense of confidence is to confirm your competence in that specific area.  For example, let's say you lack confidence about entertaining other people in your home.  As you look at what entertaining involves, ask yourself whether you are competent to perform each task.  Entertaining might include sending out invitations, planning a party, cleaning the house, choosing decorations, preparing food, interacting with guests, and providing activities as needed. 

With which elements are you comfortable, and which ones seem difficult?  For me, the most difficult part would be planning and preparing the food.  The social elements would be enjoyable and fun.  For some other people, the cooking might be the easy part and the interacting would be more problematic.  When you find the specific elements that seem more difficult, ask the question: how can I become more competent in this area?  Or alternately, who can help me to succeed at this specific task?

Your community increases your competence.  You actually don't have to be accomplished at every task to feel confident about your abilities.  One of the reasons we build supportive communities is to pool our resources and our talents.  If I feel doubtful about my ability to create yummy appetizers for my party, I can either learn how to make a few dishes or I can request help from a friend.  I can ask my friend to work with me to make food, or I can ask him to make the food while I attend to another aspect of the party.  Other options, of course, are to buy food already prepared or to hire a caterer.  Any one of these options allows you to feel competent.

Competence is an assessment of your ability level in a set of skills that allows certain actions to be performed.  The great thing about competence is, because it refers to a set of skills, it can always be improved.  I can learn the skills to become competent (and therefore confident) in any area, if I am committed to do so.

Competence also includes the ability to delegate, be coached, or seek assistance.  If I do not have the skills of financial planning, I can choose to go to school and be trained in it, or I can hire the services of a financial planner.  Either action is evidence that I am taking care of my financial needs, and that is evidence of competence.

Whether I make food, invite a friend to make food, buy it at the grocery store, or hire a caterer, I am competent at providing food for my party.  Whether I learn financial planning on my own, seek information on the Internet, or hire a personal advisor, I am competent at taking care of my financial planning needs.  Acknowledging my competence allows me to feel confident.  Feeling confident eliminates self-doubt.

When you are experiencing self-doubt, use this formula:
•    Identify the specific area in which the self-doubt has arisen.
•    List all the tasks or requirements in that area.
•    Evaluate your level of competence at completing each task.
•    Learn a skill or improve your knowledge when you assess that you lack competence at a certain task.
•    Request help from your community of support.
•    Enlist the assistance of someone who already has those skills that you choose not to learn.
•    Reaffirm your competence in each task and/or your decision to utilize support as a way of taking care of the task.
•    Acknowledge your own competence and allow that acknowledgment to nourish your self-confidence.

Comments

[Gina Rafkind, VedaSun]

Hi Janet,
Great article. I tend to procrastinate and now you made me realize it could be because I don't know how to do something, or lack the confidence to do it. Thanks for shedding this light. Now I'm more empowered to get moving on what it is I really need to get done today!
May I post a comment on my blog about your article and link to it?

Thanks,
Gina